In Retrospect.

My mother is Vernita. She’s from here. My dad was born in Michigan. They were married once, and then they weren’t. My mom says I stick my pinky fingers out like him when I eat sandwiches with two hands. I don’t remember the way he ate sandwiches. Vernita married Donald, and then we lived on Whippoorwill Road in a trailer, down the street from the trailer park. My sister and I didn’t see my Dad anymore. I never found out who her dad was until she turned 21, or that she had another brother named Joseph. I went to T. Walker Elementary until Michelle had a baby and finished high school, and then I had to catch the bus to Orchard Grove to do another year of 5th grade in the 6th grade. All my friends went on to a junior high that wasn’t also part of their high school. Mom shopped for cars and Donald packed his bags. I wrote a poem that mom found in the garbage can and recited to me as if I hadn’t put it there. It was about the same whore that we would fight about four years and a homecoming parade later. Mom wouldn’t let me be the girl’s escort because she was pregnant. It wasn’t mine so I didn’t see what the big deal was. I played basketball in high school, or was on the team twice. Syed moved in with Mom around the same time I moved back from Grandma’s. I learned a lot about Pakistan and car dealerships. I got into Nirvana and it got me a blow job and a girlfriend. My previous girlfriend wasn’t into either. I played guitar and practiced being frustrated. I got better at it. Then Jesus came, and I left for a spell. I found all of my broken CD’s and my high school diploma where he’d been. I thought it’d make a cool collage. Grandma died and Syed crashed his plane -- into a tree, not a building. I took some of his pain pills when I broke my rib. I’m sure my brother thinks I’m gay now because of it. His name is Edward and my Dad raised him proper. He was 12 when he got busted for pot. I had just started smoking cigarettes. Syed left and Grandpa died. I lost my shit when I cleaned out his house. Now I liked Radiohead and my new girlfriend liked sex. She needed more of it now that she was away at college. I played guitar and practiced being sensitive. Something wasn’t working. I tried whiskey and pot and decided to keep trying until my head cleared. When it did there were people in my house. They climbed in through the window. When they left, so did I. I moved to a college town and worked at a guitar store. I played power chords and practiced being lonely. I started a band. My new girlfriend moved to Seattle. She loved me, a lot. The guy she cheated on me with was named Joseph. He reminded her of me, so much. Fortunately it was not my sister’s other brother. The band broke up. I got fired and went back to school. I found domesticity for a bit, but the foundations fell into disrepair. My ex-girlfriend majored in math, but we could never make any sense of it. I stopped playing guitar for a while, but got better at being alone.